Dead Air
by RavenousMuse
Summary: AU Post-reveal/pre-meeting vamps. Sookie's finally got a cell-phone! Problem is, she's been getting nonstop, *late night* texts from strangers. You know Sookie isn't having it, and one blonde horndog's gonna pay for his nightly debauchery... Growing!
1. TTYL

_**Dead Air.** _

_Updated: What was originally supposed to be a two-shot is growing. I don't think we'll get past four chapters, but at the rate I'm going... this'll be the "Atlas Shrugged" of fanfic. I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

><p>Sookie wanted to throw her phone against the wall as she felt the ever-present vibration against her backside while she filled up the salt and pepper shakers, getting ready to finish her shift at Merlotte's Bar and Grill.<p>

She didn't want to do it, but she peered around to make sure that all the customers were gone and Sam was occupied, and then pulled out the offending device.

_**One New Text Message**_ lit up the face of the phone.

Sookie sighed, resigned. It could be something important, after all.

"_O ura dirty icky tasty boy. Idk where u came from, but Ive gotta get mooooore of dat ASaP. Spnk me soon? Urs4lyfe- Sandy" _

Sookie felt the bile rise up as she read the newest entry into her unwitting device of pornography, stuffing it quickly back in her pocket. It seemed this must be a young one, she reckoned, as she obviously did not have a clear grasp on proper grammar and the English language in general.

It had been six months since Sookie had finally caved in and bought the cell phone her friends had been annoying her to get for years. And it had been six months of heavy breathing, naughty texts, and strange females calling on a daily basis. It was racking up her phone bill and frankly, it was on her last nerve.

"Sam," Sookie called to her handsome boss, who was behind the bar counting up the night's take. He raised a finger to her as her finished with the singles and quickly jotted down the number so he wouldn't forget.

"You done, 'chere?" Sam was a bit sweet on Sookie, and he'd watched her out of the corner of his eye all night as she moved gracefully from table to table, taking care of his regulars. Her usually tense grin seemed even tighter lately.

Sookie tightened her ponytail, uncomfortable with Sam's speculative gaze. "All through here. You mind if I head on out for the night? Gran has some gardening she asked me to help her with bright and early tomorrow, and you know how demanding she can be!"

Sam chuckled, "Yup. She's a right dictator, that one. No problem, Sook. You work tomorrow, don't cha?" Sam knew damn well Sookie worked tomorrow, he just wanted to keep her talking just a few minutes longer.

"Sure do," she replied. "I'll be in at 4." Sookie hesitated. She had a feeling that Sam was interested in more than just her schedule, but she had an unbreakable rule; you neither date the boss nor do you listen in on the bosses' thoughts. Never. No matter how good he looked in those tight fitting jeans… "Well… okay then Sam. I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

A frustrated Sam ran his fingers through his unruly hair as Sookie headed for the door.

As surely one of the only remaining twenty-four year old virgins left in the great state of Louisiana, Sookie spent a lot of time thinking about sex. Unfortunately, a lot of those thoughts didn't come from her own mind, and a lot of those thoughts were just plain sick. As a telepath with poor shielding abilities, Sookie couldn't control the constant influx of information from, well, from what seemed like everybody else in Bon Temps.

A buzzing interrupted her thoughts as she parked behind her house off of Hummingbird Lane. She grimaced as she peered through the darkness at the old farmhouse, looking for signs that her grandmother had waited up for her. The porch light was on, as was the kitchen light, which was always left on when Sookie worked late. Gran must have gone to bed, Sookie thought as she glared at her phone. _I hate you. I hate you so very much._ If looks could kill, her phone would be a pile of smoke and ash months ago.

* * *

><p>*Six months ago*<p>

Sookie and Tara sat on towels in Sookie's backyard, catching some of the last summer rays the sun had to offer. Sookie had perfected her golden glow, and was enjoying the contrast if not the fit of her trusty white bikini to her end of summer tan, while Tara sat beside her, setting up Sookie's monumental purchase.

"Oookay," Tara muttered to herself as she punched in some buttons and synced Sookie's email account to her new phone. "I think that should do it," she smirked, handing the raspberry android cell phone to Sookie. "Welcome to the 21st century, Pebbles."

"Flintstones, right, I see how it is, Tara. Turnabout is fair play," Sookie arched one eyebrow at her friend from behind matching white sunglasses. She laughed at herself and then said, "Seriously though, Tara. I have no clue what to do with this thing! And where is the keypad?" She looked at the phone sideways. "Does it open up somehow?" Sookie started fiddling with the phone, seriously considering returning it when Tara took it back from her.

"Hun," Tara breathed, "Please don't break it the first day. I can teach you how to use it and," Tara was cut off by a snazzy jingle. "Did you already give your number out, Sook?"

"You think I actually _know_ my number already, Tara?"

"Hmm, it's probably just the phone company welcoming you to the modern ages," Tara joked, showing Sookie how to retrieve the message.

"Oh. My. Goodness!" Sookie stated as Tara yelled, "Shut the fuck up!"

Tara snatched the phone and started reading out loud.

"_Does your horsey-worsey want to take me for a wide again? I want to snuggle-wuggle with your weenie-weenie (tho soooO_o not teenie-weeny weeniekins!) alla da days n nites! Call me. Nan"_

The girls collapsed into laughter as Tara gave an encore performance, in character. "Holy wrong number, Batman," Tara said. "I've gotta respond to this."

"_Yo. Little Bo Peep. You got the wrong number. Try talking like a grown-ass woman next time. Maybe then you'll get a second date."_

Almost as soon as the message went out, then response came back.

"_Um. So, so, embarrassed. This was the number I got. Won't happen again. "_

Sadly, that was just the beginning. At first it was funny, and Sookie tried to respond politely to the filthy messages. As the days passed and the messages became more and more pornographic, Sookie started to lose her temper. Partially because these ladies were all hos, and partly because it seemed there was some lothario out there, some king of the sexual miscreants who had no respect for women and no ability to give out his correct information. Sookie was floored that so many women would sleep with the same man- and she knew it wasn't the same person calling each night, because all the calls came from different phone numbers.

Part of her wondered if there was a whole gang of sexually deviant men who got together and decided that the phone number they would give to their conquests collectively would be that of Sookie Stackhouse. Just for the hell of it.

Another part of her wondered if maybe the women all thought that her phone number belonged to Jason. After one bold hoochie actually called, moaning and groaning her arousal out on the phone before Sookie could even utter a hello, Sookie braced herself and yelled out, cutting through the din, "AreyoucallingtospeakwithJason?"

The hoochie paused in her vocalized yearnings, startled, and responded, "Soo. You're a girl… Not who I was expecting… Ahh," Sookie imagined her shaking her head to clear the brain fog, "Who is Jason?"

"Son of a bitch," Sookie muttered and hung up, blushing to the roots of her hair.

* * *

><p>*Current*<p>

Sookie grumbled and stared at the newest text.

"_Successful merger last night. I stand corrected- the sword **is** mightier than the pen. Your sword is very, very mighty. Hope my vintage met your exceedingly high standards. A+ night. Clove" _

Well, at least this ho seemed slightly intelligent. Good for the mystery swordsman. He sure did know how to pick 'em. Sookie leaned back against the headrest and groaned. _Is this what my life's become,_ she wondered. _Am I destined to be tortured by someone else's adventures while I do _what_? Sleep, wait tables, and then go home, only to do it all over again? _

Tomorrow, I start living, she decided. Well, after I garden with Gran. Sookie sighed, putting the offending phone on silent and heading into the house to get ready for bed.

Sookie had accidentally left her phone on the charger all day, and frankly her frazzled nerves were glad for it. Her steps were lighter and her shields were stronger without the constant influx of lewd platitudes. The bar was busy and the tips were good, and for the first time in six months, Sookie felt like she could relax a little.

All that changed when she arrived home at around 9:30 to a stack of mail her Gran had left for Sookie in the kitchen table. Sookie had poured herself a glass of milk as she sat down to look through the pile.

"Son of a bitch!" Sookie cried out, forgetting she was poised to swallow, spitting out a mouthful of milk at the same time. She grabbed a towel with one hand to wipe up the table and her face while she stared in horror at her latest phone bill. "150.00?" Sookie whispered to herself, remembering that her Gran was asleep. "How the heck am I supposed to pay for that?" As it was, the only people Sookie ever called were Sam, Tara, Jason, and Gran. And, honestly, that was only on the rarest of occasions. As she stared at the detailed bill, she found herself growing more and more furious.

Sookie stomped to her room, snatching her phone off the charger. "Seven missed calls? Thirteen new text messages! Oh, no mister. You are not getting away with this, this horseshit anymore!"

Sookie put the phone on speaker and played all the disgusting messages, one by one, copying down the phone numbers.

"…And then I will take your big toe, and suck on it until you can barely speak, before I crawl down on all fours…" That was Tina. 555-546-9099.

"I've never in my life had a man who could make be bend in that way… I will never walk the same again…" Debbie 555-865-8585

"Bite me daddy. Yeah, big papa, I can't wait until you taste me all over again." Um, weird. Fetish, much? Isabelle, 555-343-2214

The messages went on, and I dutifully took the information from the callers. "This shit ain't gonna fly anymore, lover boy," Sookie assured herself as she started to return the calls.

It took three calls to a sex-kitten, a super bitch, and then finally to one person who seemed nearly human before Sookie was able to gather enough information to point her in the right direction. Unfortunately that direction was Shreveport.

* * *

><p>What do you think? Should I continue? This was supposed to be a one shot, but I'm thinking it's more of a twoey. ;)<p> 


	2. On the Road Again

So... I can't help it. I am a natural pleasure delayer. This twoey is now a threesome (three-ey? triumvirate? three-shot?) in nature. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Chapter 2<p>

Sookie had a name and an address. That was all she needed. Sookie changed into some jeans and a pale yellow tank top with little white flowers on it, threw on some sandals, and grabbed the atlas out of her trunk to map out her route to this "Eric's" den of iniquity.

In less than thirty minutes, Sookie had left a note for her Gran with her whereabouts, and had hit the road. Sookie's sense of righteous indignation only inflated as she passed the miles into Shreveport. She blasted Blondie's "One Way or Another" and found herself feeling like the protagonist in some heroic novella about to rip apart some evil-doer. _This is what living really is,_ she thought. _You have a problem, you do something about it- you don't just sit idly by hoping for somebody to step in and handle things for you. _

_Who does this man think he is, she wondered? Who doesn't realize there are consequences to your actions? _

Soon enough, Sookie pulled into a strip mall that seemed mostly deserted. This was not the neighborhood she had expected. She had hoped to pull into some suburban jungle and pound on this man's door. In her mind this, this _misogynistic Casanova_ would have been roused from his sleep (well, it would have served him right for interrupting her slumber all these months!). He would have grumbled all the way to the door and when he answered it looking like the tool he surely was, she would knee him in the nuts, give him a good tongue-lashing, throw the phone bill at him and walk away. He would sob, begging her for her forgiveness, completely and rightfully full of shame.

She coasted by the closed retail shops, sighing audibly at the realization that she may have driven all the way out here for nothing. 1210: Toys "R" Us. 1212: Twinkle Toes Specialty Pedicures. _Wait,_ she thought, _there seems to be something open a bit ahead._ 1214: Zonk's Joke Shoppe. That seemed a bit strange. The busy place looked to be about two doors down. 1216: Office Depot.

1218. Sookie sharply inhaled her breath. Fangtasia. "Shit!" Sookie exclaimed. She had _heard_ of this place- it was a vampire bar.

It had been one year since the vampires had 'come out of the coffin,' so to speak, and Sookie wasn't naive enough to believe the whole _sun allergy_ line the media was feeding the population. Telepath, remember? She'd seem enough in her time to know that that was just not true.

_This guy couldn't be a Vampire, could he_? She wondered. _No way_. But… all of a sudden some of the subtext of the well- texts started making a bit more sense.

_I can't wait until you _taste me_ all over again._

_Hope my _vintage_ met your exceedingly high standards. _

A+_ night._

_Bite me daddy._

Sookie's head started to spin and she took a few deep calming breaths while she parked to center herself. She had never met a vampire in person. Sure, she'd seen some of the ever-popular reality series' that had become so popular in the past year. Her favorite was "Survivor: Yuma, AZ" where convicted Vampire felons were confined to the desert in the sunniest place in the world. The winner was the last man standing, and subsequently earned his or her freedom. It was one of those car crash TV shows- you know, the ones you would never admit watching because they made you question your humanity.

Sookie realized she had been stalling herself from going inside to confront whomever this playboy was. _There's a chance he won't even be there, right_? She asked herself. Hell, there was a chance that he was just some fangbanger who got his jollies by playing dress-up with the undead. Sookie decided that this was the most likely of scenarios, so she squared her shoulders, steeled her resolve as well as her shields, and headed for the door where a considerable line was gathered.

Not interested in fooling around in that line and more interested in getting in and out quickly, Sookie marched straight to the bouncer.

A tiny, pale version of Alice in Wonderland gone to a Marilyn Manson concert shifted a clipboard to her hip, raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow at Sookie. "All those who wish to be enthralled must stand in line and pay the price… no matter how scrumptious," she drawled heavily perusing the newcomer's copious assets. "Though I may make an exception in the occasional, exceptional case," she finished.

Sookie however had missed most of the warm welcome, having skidded to a stop, jaw falling open. "Holy crap, you _glow_!" Sookie expostulated.

Alice in Wonderland's face became a mask, as she stated, "If you are referring to the luster of my natural visage, then yes, you are correct." She paused, looking pointedly at Sookie, "However, if you are commenting on any other 'radiance' then I am afraid I have no idea of that which you are speaking."

"Umm, right," Sookie stammered, realizing that she had just met her very first vampire. "Nevermind, my mistake." She bolstered up her confidence, "Look, Miss-,"

"Pam," Pam interjected.

"Miss Pam, look. I meant no disrespect. However, I'm just here trying to find someone. In fact, I have a pretty major bone to pick with this person, and I'm hoping to be just in and out, and I'm wondering," Sookie chastised her brain for failing her. She sighed, "I'm wondering if I can just run in and I'll leave right after."

"Let me get this straight," Pam stated. "You would like to skip past all of these vermin in line so that you can go inside the club, without paying the cover charge. And then, you plan to find a _paying_ customer, create a scene, and then leave without buying even a single drink from our employees. Does that sum up your request adequately?"

Sookie swallowed audibly, hearing the absurdity of her plan. _Fuck it_, she thought. "Yep. That sounds about right."

A tiny hint of a smile flashed across the corner of Pam's lips momentarily before disappearing. "I'll need to see some ID, please."

_This certainly sounds entertaining,_ Pam thought smugly.

Sookie heaved a sigh of relief, pulling out her Louisiana driver's license from her straw purse before Pam gestured her through the door.

"Just out of curiosity, Miss Stackhouse," Pam called back to Sookie, "Who is it that you have come here to berate?"

Sookie paused, looking at the strange vampire, "I don't know his last name, but all I know is it's some disgusting, pervert horndog named 'Eric.'"

Pam turned around quickly to hide the wholly out of character giggle that escaped from her usually implacable expression.

_Oh, this will be good,_ Pam thought.

* * *

><p>Thanks for all the adds, alerts and reviews! I give hugs to all of them. Let me know if you think this story is worthwhile... should I complete?<p> 


	3. Match dot Com & Mama's Boys

_Ahh. Umm. Please don't hate me. I got to nearly four thousand words, and realized there would have to be another chapter. This thing is taking on a life of its own._

_P.S. Not my characters or original ideas. They belong to Charlaine Harris. I am just putting them in breeches and handlebar moustaches._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: Match dot Com and Mama's Boys<strong>

_"Just out of curiosity, Miss Stackhouse," Pam called back to Sookie, "Who is it that you have come here to berate?"_

_Sookie paused, looking at the strange vampire, "I don't know his last name, but all I know is it's some disgusting, pervert horndog named 'Eric.'"_

_Pam turned around quickly to hide the wholly out of character giggle that escaped from her usually implacable expression._

_Oh, this will be good, Pam thought._

Sookie did an about-face and took in the club in front of her. Merlotte's was the closest she'd ever come to going to a real nightclub, and she had to admit to herself, she was not very impressed. The décor was campy with red with gray accents and the club was filled with people who just screamed 'DESPERATION!' In fact, several of them were actually thinking that exact thought, she noticed, as she realized her shields were failing her.

Soon, Sookie's thoughts were inundated with innuendo, lust, hate, the inane, and… something else. She cast the net of her disability out into the dark and found- well, she found holes. At least that's what it felt like to Sookie. It was as though there were these separate and independent entities that existed, full of nothingness, bobbing around the nightclub.

Sookie counted the holes in the room, her eyes tried to seek them out, but the club was just too dark for that. Twelve, including one outside the front door and another in a closed-off space at the back of the bar. She found her body moving almost of its own volition toward the nearest bobbing hole, her mission temporarily forgotten.

Within seconds, a bemused-looking gentleman in a waistcoat and breeches was staring down at a breathless Sookie. He had a handlebar moustache and a dignified air. But it was his eyes and subtle glow that made Sookie gasp.

"Oh! You're vampires!" Sookie stated, profoundly stating the obvious.

"Well spotted," The vampire leered at her, turning brusquely on his heel to address his companion, a vampire of medium height with ridiculous sideburns and slicked-back hair. "I mean really," He glanced back at Sookie, who was stuck as though in tar, abashed at her own lack of southern protocol. "What did she expect to find at a vampire bar? Wiccans?" They laughed at her in arrogance and Sookie felt her face flush to tomato.

"Er, sorry," Sookie muttered, chastised, walking in another direction.

_Interesting, _thought Pam, who had moved to a corner booth to get an unimpeded view of the unfolding events. _It's like she knew what they were before she _knew_ what they were… _She focused on locating her master, and through the bond, she was able to tell that he was ushering the redheaded fangbanger he'd been eye-fucking all night into his office. That was one of the many attributes she admired most in her maker. His insatiable lust for physical pleasure was unparalleled. She passed an unnecessary sigh as she remembered their first decade together after he'd turned her. They had made the adult pay-per-view programs look like child's play…

In the meantime, Sookie had gathered her wits about her, and tried to come up with a game plan. She figured she'd try to ask some of the human customers and staff, and if that came up short, well, then… there was some sort of tribute band playing. Perhaps she could see if they'd help her. She really didn't want it to go that far, though.

"Ahem," Sookie cleared her throat loudly as she tapped the nearest human on the shoulder. A man in uniform turned around and Sookie realized that this must be an officer at the nearby Barksdale Air Force Base.

"Hey, pretty lady!" He was clearly inebriated, and clearly celebrating. "You wanted a dance from Ol' Jimmy himself, then, huh? Well, I'd be happy to take you for a spin around the dance floor!" He handed his beer to his friends. "Keep that one nice 'n cold for me, Cooter."

"Actu- Ahhhh!" Sookie was cut off as Ol' Jimmy himself threw Sookie over his shoulder, ass over head, slapping her bottom as he carried her to the dance floor.

"Ol' Jimmy! No! You put me down right this second, you hear me!" Sookie cried into Jimmy's ass, which her upside-down face was level with.

"Will do, Sugar Plum, just as soon as we get our dance in!"

Sookie pounded on Jimmy's leg and he deposited her on the dance floor. Sookie huffed as Pam chortled and Ol' Jimmy preened. "Look here, mister," Sookie thumped her index finger into Jimmy's chest. "Is that how you treat a lady?" She gave him her best 'Gran' look, and Jimmy looked suitably chagrined. "I was going to ask you a simple question and you went all King Kong on me. I expect you will apologize?" She phrased it as a question, though it was undoubtedly a demand.

Jimmy hung his head lower than a limbo pole and stated, "I am real sorry, Miss. I couldn't resist such a beautiful woman, and couldn't believe my luck that you'd want to talk to me, so I guess I went a tad overboard. I'd surely answer any question you had for me… no problem. But it'd be a real honor to me if I could still have that dance."

Sookie was a sucker for a good apology, and they _were_ playing 'Sweet Home Alabama,' so against her better judgment, she found herself shaking her booty in time with the rockabilly tune, Ol' Jimmy matching her step for step.

"Thanks for the dance," Jimmy exclaimed. "Now what did you need help with?"

Sookie couldn't help grinning after their dance number, then remembered her true purpose for even being at the bar. "I am trying to find someone. Someone who frequents this place often- name'a Eric."

Jimmy dug deep in his mental recesses but came up lacking. "Sorry, sugar. This is my first time visiting this place… and I ain't never heard of no Eric."

Sookie sighed, "No problem, Jimmy." She winked, "Thanks for the dance- no matter how we made it to the dance floor." Sookie caught Jimmy's friends watching their exchange with extreme interest. She leaned in and gave Ol' Jimmy a peck on the cheek; as his face lit up his friends howled in excitement and Jimmy headed back to his boys, dazed. They slapped him on the back and ordered a round of tequila to celebrate their bro's 'Epic' night.

Sookie found a tall cocktail table and surveyed the room for a moment. She stopped the next cocktail server passing by, thinking that a gin & tonic may not be such a bad idea after all. The gin & tonic was poured and brought back to Sookie quicker than you could say Jack Robinson! Sookie was amazed at the service & mustered up some liquid courage, tossing back the very strong drink and feeling the fiery heat coat her throat. As she was placing the empty glass down on a paper coaster printed with lips and fangs on it, the same server reappeared with another gin & tonic in hand.

"Um, I'm sorry Miss, but I didn't order that," Sookie said to the bleach-blonde server with muddy roots.

"It's on the house. It appears that you have an admirer." The waitress looked Sookie over shrewdly, wondering what was it about this girl that made her so darn _special_.

"Well, I have to drive, but I guess one more won't hurt." Sookie took a small sip and nodded to herself.

Across the room, Pam winked at the server, knowing it was a brilliant move to keep Sookie's drinks flowing and at doubles.

"Excuse me!" Sookie called to the waitress. The waitress turned and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Hey, I am actually here looking for someone."

"Well, I'm not too sure I can help you with that," the server spoke slowly and with uncertainty.

Sookie tip-toed into this woman's head- Ginger, she discovered- and was appalled at what she found. Sookie's horror must have shown on her face because Ginger stepped closer to Sookie, asking, "Lady, are you okay? I mean, I can try to help, but the vamps, they don't take too kindly to people coming in here asking questions of anybody."

Sookie pulled herself together. "I'm sorry, you're right. I wouldn't want to get anybody in trouble. It's just… I know that this person comes here a lot, and we've never really met- you see we're ah, we're long lost relatives. I was just hoping somebody could point him out to me…"

Ginger furrowed her brow at this story that seemed far-fetched, even to her. "What's his name?" She drawled, suspiciously.

Sookie grinned, feeling victorious. "His name's Eric!"

"Last name?" Ginger prompted.

"Umm, that's the thing… I'm not sure."

"So, you're telling me you're looking for a family member. But you don't know your own last name?"

"Huh? My own-? That doesn't even make logical-" Sookie stuttered.

"Hmph. I don't know what game you're playing missy, but I sure as h- e- double hockey sticks can't help you." Ginger walked away, feeling every bit the mental giant.

Fortunately for Sookie, Ginger could, and did, help her. Ginger's mind looked like cottage- no, Swiss cheese. Massive holes existed where memory and thought pattern had surely once existed. It was actually quite sad, and Sookie wondered if Ginger was into drugs or something- because that was the only other time she'd seen a brain like that before. But seeping out from behind these holes were the remnants of Ginger's history. And it was clearly evident that this Ginger worshiped Eric. She had three tabby cats that she adored, named Eric, Erica, and Erik with a 'k.' She saved things, too. Things that he'd touched, things he'd thrown in the trash… She even slept with one of his discarded t-shirts under her pillow so she could inhale his scent as she slept. Creepy.

Ginger had also been a notch in Eric's bedpost. One memory above all others stood out. She was on all fours, writhing in ecstasy watching her own breasts bounce up and down and up and down as she was pounded from behind. _Okay, this keeps getting better_, Sookie thought. She strained to catch a glimpse of the mountee's mountor, but it seemed that every time Ginger had tried to peek at him, he'd taken her head in his hand and angled it away from him. Ginger had thought it was adorable. Sookie found it despicable and it reignited her purpose. She did, however catch some blonde locks falling over Ginger's shoulder as he rode her. And he seemed to dwarf her. _Okay, _Sookie thought, _Hugh Hefner's a hulking tow-head. I can work with that. _

Pam leaned forward, mesmerized by the plethora of expressions crossing her new plaything's face. She was enthralled, and Pam did not do 'enthralled.' "Pardon, Pam?" A voice interrupted Pam's musing. Ginger.

"What?"

"I am sorry… she asked about Eric… and I didn't know what to say. Should I have her escorted out of here?"

Pam found Ginger's meekness repulsive. "Why in _fuck _would we do that?"

"But, she um…"

"Do you question my will?" Ginger shook her head thoroughly. Pam rolled her eyes. "Continue as I instructed. Go away. You are boring me." Ginger scampered away like the hamster on a wheel she was.

_Back to the drawing board, _Sookie thought. Sookie spotted a group of about six cougars dressed in gauzy animal-print Cruella de Vil-type costumes. Well, these ladies sure look like they spend a lot of time in a place like this. Sookie meandered to the group, formulating a plan as she walked.

Sookie got as close to the group as she dared then pulled on her year of experience in the drama club and pretended to slip on something on the floor. She went in full throttle, spilling her drink all over the floor and landing on her ass.

"Oh, my goodness," Cougar in cheetah print cried as she ducked down to try to help Sookie, who was now pretending to be completely sauced, back up. "Are you alright?"

"Fuckin' men!" Sookie said in her best drunken voice much louder than necessary. And let me tell you, after working in a bar for so long, Sookie could play the drunk!

"Amen to that!" Cried Cougar in leopard print.

"Who done you wrong, sweetheart?" Asked the Dalmatian Cougar, as the other three ladies leaned in to hear the juicy details. Sookie thought fast, but all she could come up with were her brother's friends on the road crew.

"Hoyt! Ah, Hoyt Lenier! And I hate him!"

"What happened?" Leopard cougar asked sympathetically, leaning in conspiratorially.

"Well," she paused to take a sip of her drink, which had been almost magically replaced with a new, full gin and tonic after she'd spilled the other, half-full one. She fake hiccupped, then wiped her arm under her nose. "We met on one of them dating sites- on the computer- you know?" The cougars nodded knowingly. "We been going steady for a good five months. We even met up face to face a few times- to um 'get to know each other' even better…"

Pam snorted from her corner booth. She had known that Sookie was as untouched as the fallen snow from first scent. Sookie fake wailed, bringing Pam back into the moment.

Sookie was in her element now, even pulling out a tear from her arsenal. "Go on, hun," Lion Cougar encouraged, thinking how good she and her friends must look standing next to this young thing_. Hell, we probably look ten years younger now that we're hanging with twenty-somethings- albeit sobbing twenty-somethings. Come to mama, boys. Or vampires. Whichever. _"Let it out!"

"Well, yesterday I get this phone call… A lady calls me. And you know what she tells me? She says I've been dating her son- and that Hoyt's only SEVENTEEN years old!"

The cougars gasp in unison.

"Supposedly, he's just always looked older than his age, and he's a big guy, er, boy-" Sookie breaks into another theatrical wailing. " Ladies, Hoyt is still in fucking HIGH SCHOOL! And apparently he's a huge mama's boy to boot!"

The cougars tried to comfort Sookie as best they could while still looking hot. "So, what are you gonna do about it?" asks Cheetah Cougar. It was the question Sookie had been waiting for.

She squared her shoulders, looked them all in the eye and responded, "Tonight, I'm here to forget all that ever happened. Tonight, I am gonna find me the biggest, baddest, _nastiest_ (she added that in for good measure) man in this bar, and I'm taking him home with me. Tonight." She enunciated the last word.

Dalmatian Cougar got a wicked gleam in her eye, glancing at her posse, "Well, then to do that you don't need a man, per se. You need a _vampire."_

Jackpot. Like the wooden ball in a pinball machine hitting obstacles and walls, his name ricocheted through their minds simultaneously. Eric. eRiC. ERIC! eRIC. ERic! ERIC!

_Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea, _Sookie thought. She finally got a mental picture. And he was hot.

"_Eric," _hummed Leopard Cougar dreamily.

"Is he here?" Sookie was sure she would have noticed a man like _that_ if she'd seen him. Surely, there was no way one man could actually look like that.

A quiet buzzing from her purse reminded her that there most certainly could be a man like that- he was just a complete and utter perv.

She pulled her phone out as the cougars looked around. "I know he was here earlier. He disappeared. We're hoping he'll come back- he's kind of like a glorious mirage…" A cougar who'd been quiet up until now piped in, giggling. _I shall call you Hyena Cougar_, Sookie dubbed.

Sookie opened the newest text message. Hmm, multi-media. She gasped. It was an honest to goodness vag. Hairless. Pierced. And on her phone. "Sweet baby Jesus!" Sookie cried before slamming her phone back in her purse.

"The time for fucking around has passed," Sookie stated to her new friends before thanking them and heading toward the stage.

* * *

><p>"You want to do what?" Asked the incredulous guitarist for the rockabilly cover band.<p>

"Mickey, I want to make an announcement over the microphone." Sookie stated without a trace of humor in her voice.

The guitarist was intrigued. She was a hot piece of ass, and he figured if he let her read her little PSA to the crowd it might put him in her good graces, and her on his good n' plenty. He stepped aside.

* * *

><p>"Ginger!" Ginger came barreling to where Pam was perched.<p>

"Mistress?" Ginger bowed awkwardly, her knobby knees at an awkward angle to her cropped denim skirt.

"What in the name of Fuck is going on?" Pam had been regaled by Sookie's faux story, but she still had no idea why Miss Stackhouse was so upset at her Maker. It seemed Miss Stackhouse played her cards very close to her chest, as the old adage went. And it was starting to bother Pam.

"I've been keeping her glass real full, just like you asked."

"No, you worthless twit! Why is she getting on stage?" Pam had a sinking feeling that Sookie was an aspiring Britney Spears. Although, she could work with the whole schoolgirl fetish…

"Uh," Ginger stated, astutely.

"Certainly, we can not be paying you for your perspicaciousness?" Pam sneered and waved Ginger away, emerging from her table to get to a closer vantage point.

* * *

><p>Sookie cleared her throat, stepping into the bright lights. She tapped on the microphone and the screech of the resounding feedback silenced the crowd.<p>

She swallowed hard, her armpits starting sweat and itch as she felt the eyes of the crowd upon her. She tried to smile, failed. "Hi, y'all." She was met with glares and curious stares. "Um, okay. I am looking for someone. Someone named Eric. And apparently he's elusive as a chupacabra, so… until he emerges, like a fucking man- oh, forgive my language, I'm just a tad frustrated, if you can't tell."

Pam's eyes widened and she darted her eyes back toward his office, where she knew he was in the middle of his dinner. What was this human, who was clearly a lunatic, doing?

"Sorry, lost my train of thought there. Where was I? Oh, so until he emerges from wherever he's holed up, most likely with some floozy, I have decided to regale you with a little light reading."

Huh? Now Pam was officially flabbergasted. And confused. And not amused.

"Mickey, a little background music while I enthrall the audience, if you please?" Mickey shrugged as he and his band played the instrumental to Billy Currington's 'People are Crazy.'

Sookie pulled up her most recent text messages. "_'Nipples, nipples, nipples! If I could flick & lick & suck your nipples all day long it would not be enough_.'" The crowd tittered in disbelief. "Signed, well let's just do initials to protect the guilty. Signed, M.

"Let's see what's next, 'cause there's a lot more where that came from! Oops! We've got to bypass the vagina picture to get to the next message. What a shame!" Sookie could not believe she was actually doing this- it was actually kind of liberating. She giggled a bit under her breath and moved on.

"'_My dreamz- _and that's dreams with a Z here, people- _had me riding on a unicorn over a rainbow, hugging 17 of your penises to my naked chest.' _17? Really? Wonder what numerology has to say about that number… that one was signed by R." A tiny shriek was heard from the crowd- obviously the writer of the current text's shame speaking for itself.

"Remember, all this can end, as soon as this Eric, the subject of these vile texts emerges from his hidey-hole! Hmm, what shall we hear now? Eww, now the next one has words in it that would make the devil himself blush! But here goes noth-"

The next thing Sookie knew she was attached like a barnacle to a moving object that seemed to be flying down a back hallway. She screeched. As suddenly as the movement began, it ended and she was slammed up against a wall, face to face with Miss Pam- and Miss Pam's fangs.

"Who, sweetheart, do you fucking think you are?" Pam growled. Sookie attempted to gurgle out a response but failed masterfully.

"How dare you speak of my master in that regard!" Her eyes glowered and Sookie felt the hairs on her neck stand at attention. _So this is how I'm going to die, _Sookie figured. She imagined her headstone and the cautionary tale parents would be giving their children for years to come. _**Here Lies Sookie Stackhouse: Died Reading Pornography to Vampires. **_Hell, they'd probably turn it into a Lifetime movie or something… _Focus, Stackhouse_, she chided herself. Pam seemed to be saying something.

Pam sneered as she watched Sookie's attention drift away from the righteous fear Pam was inciting. This human was such a conundrum. A wicked gleam played across Pam's eyes as she considered her next move.

Pam slowly released Sookie from her clutches and brought her fangs in to half-mast. "You are an interesting human. Perhaps that is the only reason I spared your life. Perhaps not. Perhaps it is because I would like to fuck you." Sookie blanched, trying to remain composed. "Either way…" Pam raised her eyebrows, "I shall grant you that which you seek."

Sookie's mouth fell open, but it appeared she had not yet regained the ability to speak.

Pam turned Sookie bodily until she was facing a door she hadn't noticed before. Pam brought her lips to within centimeters of Sookie's ear, her long hair brushing Sookie's collarbone as she leaned in. "Walk through that door, Miss Stackhouse. Perhaps you will learn a thing or two from my master." Pam inhaled Sookie's scent, then nipped lightly at her earlobe. Sookie gasped, and quick as a wink Sookie found herself right in front of the door, Pam nowhere in sight.

In reality, Pam had just gone back around the corner, and was leaning heavily against the wall, talking down her imaginary hard-on. That _scent_- it was just intoxicating! Pam momentarily doubted the wisdom of her plan, wishing she had just kept Sookie for herself and out of her master's hands. Because as surely as _she_ had been entranced by this human, _he_ would be doubly so.

Sookie shook off the strange yet slightly tingly advances of the peculiar vampire, then stared in contempt at her shaking hands until they stilled in submission. With a quick prayer in her heart that she hadn't bitten off more than she could chew, Sookie placed one hand on the doorknob and the other up to knock.

Simultaneously, Sookie pounded on the door and then tried the knob. Surprisingly, the door was unlocked, and Sookie found herself in a brightly lit room even as she continued knocking.

He _was_ a mirage. He was shining, beautiful. Perfection.

He was also naked. Slamming his mighty sabre into a writhing, also naked redheaded female below him on a faded leather couch situated in the corner of his- yes, this must be his office. A dribble of blood coursed down his sculpted jaw and his broad chest called out silently to Sookie. The redhead was slick with perspiration.

Sookie gasped.

Eric grunted.

The lucky- er, um, unnamed lady underneath him moaned, pinching her nipples, then screamed out, "Errrrriiiiic!"

Sookie whirled around. _Mission aborted! Mission aborted! _She grabbed the doorknob, but the knob wouldn't turn. The door wouldn't open.

On the other side of the door, Pam giggled.

* * *

><p>Thanks so much for sticking with me! What do you think of Pam as a version of Shakespeare's Puck? I kinda dig her.<p>

"I am that merry wanderer of the night" who "Mislead(s) night-wanderers, laughing at their harm?" (From _A Midsummer Night's Dream_)

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter- it was pretty fun to write!

Until we meet again!


	4. You can do it I can help

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. That honor goes to Mrs. Charlaine Harris.**_

_**Hey Sookieverse friends! Sorry for the delay in the completion of this fic. I had to travel home for a while due to a death in the family, and when I got back we were evacuated because of wildfires out here in Texas. Unfortunately, due to the craziness I didn't get a chance to respond to your awesome, amazing reviews. Forgive me. Forgive me?**_

_**Without further ado, the final installment of Dead Air. Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: You can do it. I can help.<strong>

* * *

><p><em>He <em>_was__ a mirage. He was shining, beautiful. Perfection. _

_He was also naked. Slamming his mighty sabre into a writhing, also naked redheaded female below him on a faded leather couch situated in the corner of his- yes, this must be his office. A dribble of blood coursed down his sculpted jaw and his broad chest called her name. The redhead was slick with perspiration. _

_Sookie gasped. _

_Eric grunted._

_The lucky- er, um, unnamed lady underneath him moaned, pinching her nipples, then screamed out, "Errrrriiiiic!"_

_Sookie whirled around. __Mission aborted! Mission aborted! __She grabbed the doorknob, but the knob wouldn't turn. The door wouldn't open. _

_On the other side of the door, Pam giggled. _

Sookie started hyperventilating as she yanked with all her might, trying to open her only escape route. _This is not happening!_ Sookie squeezed her eyes shut tight even as she felt the superhuman approach of the vampire blow her hair off her shoulder. As she struggled to catch her breath, she could feel the heat of the stranger's gaze on her face.

A husky voice found its way into Sookie's ears.

"Oh, what have we here?" Sookie sucked in a gasp. "Did my progeny decide to provide me with dessert?" His voice had a honeyed quality to it, almost hypnotizing in the raw sensuous timbre.

Almost against her will, Sookie peeked at the stranger through her lashes. Sookie watched as the God before her slowly and methodically ran his pink tongue around his bloodstained lips, savoring his last taste of the wanton woman lying on the couch. Lord, he was beautiful. The primitive part of her guided her eyes down the length of his pale, muscular body and her mouth fell open as she took in his somehow still hardened cock. The innocent part or her forced her eyes back up to meet the smoldering arctic blue of his eyes.

He smirked. He could smell the heady notes of her arousal. He imagined them melting onto his tongue as he tasted her bouquet. She was beautiful, and in the few seconds she had stood, panicked in his doorway, Eric knew that she would be his in every sense of the world.

Sookie cleared her throat, shocked at the lust that rocked her body. "No, not dessert. Just somebody in the wrong place at the wrong time." Sookie turned back to the troublesome doorknob, cursing under her breath. "I will be leaving as soon as this god-forsaken knob will allow me to leave!" Her voice became shriller as Eric placed his cool hand over hers on the knob, turning gently.

"Interesting," he stated. It didn't budge. "It seems to me that your knob is defective."

"Actually," Sookie responded, "It is _your_ knob that is not functioning properly."

"I assure you, strange woman, my knob is in perfect working order," Eric leered.

"I'm sorry," Sookie grunted, pulling impotently against the door. "But if your knob was functioning optimally, I would have come and gone by now."

Eric chuckled. The purity of the creature before him was astounding. "Perhaps some lubrication… on the internal parts… may get things moving along at a reasonable pace," he suggested.

Sookie snorted. "Like you vamps keep a bottle of WD-40 just lying around!" She paused, thinking hard, jiggling the knob. "Butter wouldn't fit in all the tight crevices," Eric smirked at this. "Oh, but I bet olive oil would work! That would loosen things up real quick- ."

"What the hell, assholes? Knobs? Get a clue, blondie." A sharp, feminine voice interrupted Sookie's musings and Eric's salacious hints. "Hot naked chick here… Just finished fucking… And I'm ready to cuddle, damn it."

The redhead narrowed her eyes at Sookie as she jutted out her chin and demanded, "Cut the bitch loose! Can't you just toss her out a window or some shit? What happened to super-strength, and all that other crap? Open the fucking door. Put Skanky McStupid out so we can get back at it. I have five cats. I can't be out all night while you two stand there all fuckin' _Barbie and Ken go to the Home Depot_. Here, you can do it. I can help."

Sookie had completely forgotten the redhead in the room once Eric was within an arm's length. It seemed her brain had turned to jelly. But wow, Holy Bitch!

Eric tensed at the diatribe, and Sookie could feel waves of anger rolling off his back.

"I do not take kindly to _humans_ who attempt to dictate that which I should or should not do." His fangs clicked audibly into place, as the redhead paled, quickly grabbing her clothes from the floor and clutching them tightly to her chest. "Never in your miserable life, will what _you_ say have any bearing whatsoever on the way I conduct my affairs. You are but a pathetic bloodbag and naught but a pebble on the highway of my existence."

Sookie blanched as she heard his words and shrank against the wall, crouching down on her haunches. The redhead haphazardly threw her dress over her head and stumbled into her heels, tripping over her feet as tears started paving pale rivets through the beige of her foundation.

Eric sighed. True, he was known for his temper, which was legendary, but what he was not known for was being cruel. He raked a hand through his loose locks. "Fuck," he growled.

"Rebekah," he commanded. Her head hung low and tendrils of auburn hair blanketed her face. Her heart beat like the wings of a caged bird at the sight of an open door. She gazed out from between the strands.

"Eric, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I've just wanted you for so long… and you finally chose me, so I wanted to make the most of it- God knows I'll never get another night with you, and- ."

"Rebekah," Eric drawled, drawing her completely into his glamour. "You will forget how this night ended. All you will remember is the enormous sexual release I gave you. We were never interrupted by this, this,"

"Sookie," Sookie interjected from her place crouching against the wall.

"Yes, we were never interrupted by this _Sookie_, and you will remember until the day you die the immense pleasure you supped from my loins."

Rebekah nodded blankly.

Eric's face once again became a mask and he sneered slightly. "Now go home to your cats." He turned toward his desk and called out vaguely, "Släpp dörren. Lämna."

Sookie watched as Rebekah shook her head and walked to the door, which opened easily, much to Sookie's surprise.

Sookie, like a deer in headlights, watched from her crouch as the fearsome, beautiful man walked naked as a jaybird to his desk. He kicked up his legs onto the top of the desk, throwing his arms behind his head as he gazed at the ugly light fixture above Sookie. Right as the door was about to click shut and Sookie was considering yet again her escape route, Rebekah's slightly befuddled head poked back in.

"Master, may I at least have your phone number?"

Eric raised an eyebrow at the bold woman, and then smirked. "Of course you may, my apologies. You can reach me at (555)789-1315." Sookie gasped as the woman smiled her victory, entering the number in her cell phone as she walked away, clicking the door behind her.

Sookie screeched and jumped out of her squat like a tiger to prey, completely forgetting the last few minutes. "God damn mother fucking, ass-munching, shit-eating, dick wad, Ass Master 2000!" Ok, she ran out of insults at the end, but who could blame the girl?

Eric stifled a real live shit-eating grin as he watched the veritable statue against his wall come to life. She was all full of Hellfire and Damnation and the more manic she became, the more she looked like an angel. _Is this beautiful woman mentally ill_, he wondered? He thought that perhaps if she would allow him to find her professional help, she might consent to letting him taste her fragrant blood. Or claim her. Or both. Preferably both.

"And for the love of God, will you Put On Some Pants!" She shouted. "I cannot think straight with your gracious plenty all on display like that!"

_Gracious plenty, huh? _"Does this," he said and gestured toward his manhood which had grown _considerably_ larger since the gorgeous stranger had been _considering_ it, "Offend your sensibilities?"

"Don't you play coy with me, you, you Swine!" Sookie nervously paced back and forth. "I know what you do in here every night with all these poor, misguided women! Don't you dare try that on me! Now, cover up!"

Eric grudgingly pulled on a pair of dark wash jeans, commando, Sookie's hormones noticed. Sookie swallowed thickly trying to drown some wayward glands in her excess saliva. She knew they weren't the glands she should be worried about, but it was the principle that mattered.

"Quit it." She muttered to herself, strapping herself tightly to her high horse as Eric's worry about the woman's mental health increased three-fold. _Now she's speaking to herself. Is she hearing voices,_ he speculated? Multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder as they had begun calling it was pervasive…

_There is something seriously wrong with this woman. Crazy people are the most difficult to predict._ Eric would need to tread carefully.

"Look here, Miss-,"

"Sookie! You know damn well my name is Sookie. I just said it two minutes ago! Fucking vampires." Sookie knew she was out of control, she just couldn't find it in herself to give a damn. She giggled. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

"Okay Sookie, listen, this is private property and while it was entertaining at first, you antics are leaving me cold."

"Ha! Cold!" Sookie sputtered.

"Yes. Funny, that one. You made a pun. Good work," he decided to patronize her. "Now Sookie, if you'll just look over here we can both move along with our nights."

Sookie glared at Eric. "If you think I'm gonna fall for that like your idiot fangbanger did, then you, my friend, have another thing coming."

Eric had had enough. He approached her at vampire speed and she was pressed up against his desk in milliseconds. He sucked her aroma in greedily as his eyes devoured the ample curves of her body and his fangs descended. _It is a shame she is mentally ill, I'm not one to take advantage of the weak._ He stared deeply into her eyes as she fought for breath, her hands fisted at her sides. Sookie began to feel what can only be described as the dark tendrils of his glamour attempting to seep into her brain. She shrugged them off easily and pinched his arm as hard as she could.

"What the hell are you doing?" Eric asked, flabbergasted.

"What the hell are _you_ doing?" Sookie responded, indignant. In his one thousand years, no human had ever been able to resist Eric's glamour.

"I am attempting to glamour you so that we can get you the mental help you so obviously are in dire need of."

"You fucking prick!" Sookie pushed at his chest, which flexed at the touch of her warm fingers, unyielding. Sookie glared internally at her hormones for noticing and begging her to trail said fingers down the alabaster of his skin.

"Enlighten me, then."

Sookie refocused. "Phone number ring a bell?"

Eric did not recognize the adage. He stared blankly into the stormy eyes of the enigma before him.

"Phone number, you ass!" He didn't think her face could get any redder, but somehow Sookie managed it as she squawked.

"You want my phone number?" Eric responded quizzically. "You could have just asked. I have wanted to bed you since you walked through the door whilst I was screwing the 'poor, misguided woman.' At least that is how I believe you termed it."

"Argh! How dense can you be?" Sookie was painfully aware of how her proximity to this lothario was clouding her brain waves. "The fucking phone number you give all of your conquests- it's mine!" A look of recognition flashed across Eric's face. "And, and these girls have no shame! I just got a picture of a vag not half an hour ago. A Vag!"

Sookie caught the look of interest that Eric flashed at that point and cut him off. "Oh, no you don't, mister! You have no idea- No Clue- the shit that I've had to put up with for the last six months. Bitches and hoochies and hos, oh my!" Sookie glared down Eric's smirk. "And no, it's not fucking funny, you, you…"

Eric placed a hand over her mouth, silencing her. _She's not crazy! _A part of Eric reveled in that knowledge_._ He made a decision as Sookie stared up at him with wide eyes.

"Forgive me," he commanded.

She narrowed her eyes in ire, shaking her head violently.

Eric decided to try another tactic. "Forgive me?"

Sookie's burning rage was not quenched.

"Fine. May I see it? The phone?" Sookie glowered some more at the beautiful man while concurrently suppressing the urge to lick the palm of his hand before she acquiesced with a curt nod. She started to reach in her pocket, his hand still covering her mouth, but he stopped her.

"Allow me," he breathed and Sookie felt herself powerless to resist. His long fingers reached into the confines of the front pocket of her jeans. She couldn't help the tremor of desire that rocked her body at his hand so close to the traitorous part that ached for this stranger.

Before she could react he had retrieved the cranberry phone from her pocket. "I'm going to remove my hand from your mouth now, Sookie. Please do not berate me any further. I feel I have been suitably chastised. Deal?"

Sookie neither trusted herself to shake nor nod her head, so she just stood, mutely.

"I'll take that as a yes," Eric said as he removed his hand and stepped away from her to peruse her text messages. Eric looked up, grinning, as Sookie pulled her clothes to rights and smoothed her hair with her hand.

"Hey, Sookie! Look how fast I type 'mutha fucka'!" The joie de vie was nearly palpable as Sookie drank him in and he used his vampire speed on her keypad. _This is why, _she thought_. This is why the women wait months to bed this man. I mean, his looks are incredible, and that's one thing, but this zest, this sparkle is surely what keeps these women begging for more._ Eric laughed uproariously as he read the texts from the desperate women. "I remember all of these women," he stated. "Even this one," he had opened the vagina pic.

"Gah!" Sookie ducked, averting her eyes. "Don't point that thing in my direction! Thank God STDs can't transmit technologically!" Eric furrowed his brow. "Oh, you wouldn't have to worry about that- and take that as a blessing considering you've probably slept with more women than there are gators in the 'Glades."

Eric strode toward Sookie, entering her personal space as though he owned the air around her, handing her back the telephone. "I find you to be an interesting creature, Sookie. You have captured my attention tonight. And somehow you resist my glamour, which is a feat in and of its self. What do you _want_," he emphasized the word _want_, and Sookie felt a searing heat at the apex of her thighs, "from me?"

Sookie gulped, pulling a stray hair behind her right ear before gathering her resolve. "I want you to change your reject hotline. Or whatever the hell this is." She paused momentarily, and then continued boldly. "And I want you to pay my God damned phone bill."

Eric cocked his head, giving Sookie a speculative gaze. "What else?"

"What else?" Sookie was shaken. She hadn't expected such easy acquiescence and was prepared to launch another tirade at his sure refusal. "Well, how about you treat your _discards_ with a little bit of respect? Would that kill you? Give your army of skanks a shred of dignity instead of toying with them, making them think they have a chance with you, when instead you flick them away like a dandruff flake on a black t-shirt."

"What is this dandruff you speak of?"

"Damn it, Eric! That is completely beside the point! If you're not even going to listen to me, then I don't know why I'm wasting my time here…" Sookie pushed away from the desk to leave. This shit just seemed pointless. Explaining sensitivity and the subtle nuances of the female psyche to this vampire was like trying to teach astrophysics to a gerbil: A waste of time and frustrating for both the instructor _and_ the gerbil.

"Not so fast, lover." Sookie shrieked. Before she recognized what was happening, Eric lifted Sookie up by her ass and placed her on his desk leaning heavily on his palms to either side of her body. "And what will I get in return for this kindness?"

"You mean aside from me not reading any more of your text messages to the whole of Fangtasia?" Sookie giggled nervously.

Something flashed across Eric's face that Sookie could not decipher before he stepped between her legs where she sat on the desk and ran his palm up the column of her neck. "You wouldn't dare."

She gulped. "I dared."

"I doubt it," Eric retorted, leaning in as he pushed her blonde hair behind her shoulder. He trailed his nose up the path his palm had just created, breathing in her Siren's call. She was like no one he'd ever met. She was softness and fragility paired with notes of obstinacy and fire, all swathed in a package more beautiful than the sunrise he hadn't viewed in over a thousand years.

And yes, she would be his. More than ever, more than he knew the night was his home, he knew she would be his.

"Yield to me," he muttered into her neck as Sookie sucked in a gasp of air. She was met with lips and tongue and teeth nipping, sucking, devouring her neck. She threw her head back, creating more space for his devotion. She felt her nipples harden as her back arched and she felt her body falling back onto the desk. Before she could land, Eric swiped the papers, pens, files and books off of the desk and onto the floor, guiding her gently with his other hand down onto the mahogany surface. Somehow he was above her, his strong, cool body focused on its ministrations. Sookie threaded her arms around his back, giving over to her lust and basking in the silence of his mind. He was a juxtaposition of pleasure and pain, arrogance and… something else.

"Devil woman," Eric breathed. "You have bewitched me, body and soul." His hands found their way under the thin cotton of her top and his fingers traced cool trails over her rib cage. He found the fabric of her bra as he looked directly into Sookie's eyes. He kept the searing contact as he kissed her jaw, moving toward her ear, and sliding his hand under her bra, palming the supple curves beneath. He ached to see them completely out of their constraints; Bare, with hardened peaks just for him to consume.

"Austen?" Sookie managed to breathe. "You quote me Austen?"

Eric growled softly as she ran her hand over his stomach to the top button of his jeans. She thumbed it off, pulling as the next few buttons opened easily. She bit her lip as his tightly constrained cock emerged, landing in her awaiting palm.

"Oh!" Sookie cried in surprise.

"Fuuck," Eric half growled, half moaned at the feeling of her tiny, hot, unsure hand on his penis. It was bigger than she remembered. She closed her eyes and clasped her hand tightly around his silky width, though her fingers could not make it all the way around. She lost herself in the sensation of Eric as he clutched her shirt in his teeth, pulling it up her chest. She arched slightly to help ease his passage. She pulled gently on his cock, causing Eric to hiss in pleasure. Somehow her shirt was almost instantaneously completely off and her bra was thrust up to her collarbone.

Eric had never before seen such breasts. They were full, with beautiful pink nipples… he decided that they were made for his hands, and his hands alone. Sookie moaned as he fondled them, pinching and rolling the nipple of one breast, sucking and teasing the other. Sookie wrapped her legs around Eric's narrow waist, holding tighter to his massive cock, pumping a clumsy rhythm, as she swirled her hand over his length.

Eric moved his other hand down Sookie's body, slowly, deliberately, then snapping off the button of her pants with his thumb and forefinger. He lifted his head to look at Sookie, asking silently for permission. She nodded, breathlessly, seemingly out of words.

He pushed under the denim, feeling the damp cotton of her panties. He groaned at the smell of her arousal. She _was_ the devil. Or an angel. He wasn't sure yet which would hold true. But she would be the death of him, of that he was certain.

He stroked over the fabric, dancing over the most sensitive area and moved heavily over the rest of her sex. Her heat was unbelievable, her wetness divine.

"Touch me." Sookie rasped out, finding her voice in the haze of new sensations. "Please."

"As you wish." Eric dragged his hand over her panties one more time before thrusting beneath the material with his long fingers. Sookie cried out. _How could one man create such pleasure with just the bowing of his fingers? _Her hips thrust against his hand of their own volition, and Sookie raked her free hand through Eric's wild mane, clutching him near the root.

Sookie froze in the sensation of his hand on her sex. He played her clit like a piano, teasing, rubbing, pinching then dipping his fingers into her heat, coating them in her arousal. He pulled his hand out and Sookie moaned at the loss. Eric moved up on her body, situating himself above her. "Watch me, lover," he commanded. He held his fingers between the two of them, and then began to suck off the ambrosia that coated them, his eyes never leaving hers for a moment. Sookie groaned. She ached for this man, this stranger like she had ached for no man before him. "Suck," Eric ordered, placing her hand before her luscious lips. Sookie obeyed, taking his fingers in her mouth, sucking and scraping her teeth against his skin. His penis twitched in her hand, and she redoubled her efforts, massaging, pumping, squeezing.

"Fuck," Eric cried, thrusting his other hand under Sookie's panties. She was dripping for him, and he was powerless to prolong his nearing pleasure. "Come," he begged. "Come now, for me." Eric slipped a finger inside of Sookie, finding the place that would surely end her, and thrust upward.

Sookie felt her heart slamming against her chest, feeling as though a train was coming directly for her, and she'd be damned if she was going to step out of its path. She worked frantically on Eric, feeling the tension building in his body. They simultaneously went over the edge in their mutual release, Eric shouting Sookie's name as his seed spilled onto her belly, Sookie losing sense of time and space and everything except the feeling that this man had produced within her.

Eric sagged over Sookie, placing most of his weight on one side of her. He had a vacant look in his eyes, and Sookie struggled to catch her breath. Somehow, she found her bearings and peered around the now-silent room.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation crashed down on Sookie's shoulders. The room was too bright. It still smelled of sex from his earlier dalliance. This man was a veritable stranger. There was a small rivet of dried blood, not her own, crusting in the fine, pale hairs of this stranger's chest. What had she done? She was no better than all those other fangbangers, who, now that she thought about it, were probably lined up outside the door waiting for their chance with Eric!

Eric felt the change in Sookie's energy, and leaned down to trace circles on her stomach. "Don't fly away, little bird, now that I've got you in hand."

Sookie felt shame and anger rising up in what she had allowed to happen. This was not who she was. Granted, it was the most amazing… That was beside the point. Sookie sat bolt upright, grabbed her bra and shirt, sneering at her broken fly. She picked up Eric's t-shirt from near the couch, looking pointedly at him, and then wiped his come off of her stomach with it.

"Well, Eric. I believe we had a deal. I will mail the phone bill to you, and I expect that you will pay for your portion of the charges- which will be highlighted- before the bill comes due." Eric sat up from his perch on the desk, crossing his arms across his chest. He cocked an eyebrow at the enigmatic woman, waiting. "And I also expect the phone calls from your many," she sucked in a desperate breath, "_conquests_ will cease as well."

Eric nodded curtly, blown away at the sudden change in events.

"Fine. Well then, on that note I will bid you goodnight, Eric." She smoothed her hair, though Eric rather liked the freshly (finger) fucked look on her. It suited her. "It has been," she glanced as the desk and the mess below, "Interesting, to say nothing else." Sookie gave Eric one last look then turned, tried the doorknob, which opened easily, bracing herself for Eric's army of skanks. Finding none waiting directly outside of the door, she walked straight out of Fangtasia and drove home.

* * *

><p>"Master?" Pam sauntered into the room, giving her Sheriff and his office a speculative glance as she found the only unsullied chair in the room. She smirked. "You have been a busy bee tonight."<p>

"Enough, Pam. You have some serious explaining to do. Now." He commanded.

"Of course, Master," Pam bowed her head in submission. "I will be happy to recount the night's events for you, though I hope I will not be punished too severely for my part."

Eric chuckled, startling Pam. "May I ask what has caused you so much cheer before I begin my account? I watched the girl leave- and she didn't appear to be in like spirits."

Eric quirked an eyebrow at his progeny, famous in her skill at being meddlesome. "She will be my greatest conquest. I will bring her to my side. You will see."

Pam stared blankly at Eric, who grinned.

"And I already have the most important thing a vampire needs to seduce a partner, though she may not realize how I will use this to my advantage."

"And what, pray tell, it this tool of seduction you speak so highly of, Master?"

"Her telephone number."

*Fin*

* * *

><p>Thank you all for reading this little ditty. It has been so much fun to create this story! I would love to hear what you thought… Reviews are the cream in my coffee!<p> 


End file.
